Irreplacable Spark.

Sometimes, I feel as though kicking and screaming in my relationship with God might yield some "better" kind of result. I fight the urge to remind God that I exist.

It was 1 year ago.

I can still remember calling a friend of mine, telling him I wasn't going back to school and wasn't going to go into publishing, and instead, was going to be a pastor and I don't know what.

His response was, "okay... ... Wait-is this a joke?" I guess it *was* April 1st.

I fasted that Monday, and quit school on Tuesday. It was the craziest thing I've ever done, and it was the best decision of my life. That's not to say it's been... Easy.

I don't know why, but sometimes it's hard to tell people that I'm going into ministry. I think this is partially because the stigma that goes with Christianity is not always pleasant, and partially because I'm still a little hatchling, who is breaking out of her egg. I'm young, but I'm tough... And sometimes I'm scared that by quitting school (granted, I'm planning on attending another school in the future) I've doomed myself to be a barista forever.

I feel naive. Dangerously optimistic.

My alarm is set for 4am, and I'm not looking forward to those beeps. I will roll out of bed, and pray that I won't be doing this when I'm 30. Or 25. Maybe even 22? Too much to hope for?

A friend told me last year that "...bravery was not the absence of fear, but being terrified, and doing it anyway.”

I've been fairly aimless this past year. My goals have been to somehow survive, and stay connected with my church. Both of those things have happened- to the degree that I am doing five or six things with church right now, and happier than I have ever been. I feel like I'm stepping into something beautiful. I'm still unsteady. I still have questions, I still have a lot of work that needs to be done. But I'm willing, and I'm handing out construction hats, preparing for some work to be done.

My mom posted this on my Facebook wall last year.

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplacable spark. In the hopeless swamps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all, do not let the hero in your soul perish and leave only frustration for the life you deserved, but never have been able to reach. The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.
- Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

That is my prayer; that I won't let my spark die out, in favor of what is easy, or what feels realistic. I need to learn ways to keep my skin tough and my heart soft, and New York is the hardest place to do that.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a 4am wake up call.